And for once there is nothing up my sleeve

It's Saturday afternoon and I can't study. I turn on the radio, a song starts to play. 

I wish this was eternal. The sun on my skin, the white sheets araound my legs, your smile on my cheeks. I wish I didn't have to think of me saying goodbye to you.

You know, it's hard to find someone. But not just someone. Someone you're totally comfortable with. Someone who understands your irony and your passions, although you don't share them. Someone tho enjoys so much watching you laughing, laughing loud, crying of laughs; and tells you about it just by looking at you with his bright eyes.

"I used to run at first sight of the sun..."It's so curious. How many times I would have heard this song, but not listened to it. And now it feels so close. I could perfectly sing it to you while we're togetehr in the shower, fighting playfully for the coconut soap. 

It's a love song. You know it's love when you suddenly realise that you're waiting for someone to wake up next to you. And that's all I'd like to so right now. Spend a whole life waiting for you to open your eyes and immediately smile at seeing my messy hair. How easy is to be selfish and forget the rest of the world when you're happy, don't you think?

But, of course, I could never tell you this. We know what we have, but we don't say it loud. We won't cry, we won't make drama. We will just pretend we're mature people saying goodbye to a perfect time in our lives, but we will never tell in words what's the thing we have. It would make things more complicated, wouldn't it?

Three weeks left. Dammit. I wanted so bad vacation to arrive until I realised you woulnd't be here for them, the moment I realised you were actually my real vacation from my everyday life, my routine, my mess.

The song finished a few minutes ago. But I can still feel the singer's voive running through my veins, next to the endorphines that your kisses created on my organism. Dammit, I used to run to be alone. Now I'd spend my whole life running for the time not to catch us. Bring forever young. Forever in early summer. Forever next to you. 

But this is the real life, isn't it...

Tener hipo por

Emborracharme de tus recuerdos.

Burbuja

Pues no. No te veré, no te buscaré. No me despediré de ti. Haré oídos sordos a tu voz, que sólo suena a hipocresía, no a tu nombre, no a tu recuerdo, no a las tardes de domingo. No.

No. Porque despedirse no significaría "hasta luego". No sería "adiós, hasta nunca" si quiera, por mucho que lo deseara. Sería un "idiota, te he echado de menos. Y ahora que me deshago de ti, que puedo sustituir tu recuerdo por el de la lluvia, no quiero grabar en mi mente el momento en que me despedí de ti".

Adiós no sería adiós. Me mirarías con la misma indiferencia que me has dedicado los últimos meses, fingirías una sonrisa triste y dirías que ahora que volvíamos a hablar, me voy. Como si hubiera algo por lo que sentirme culpable. Un adiós no sería adiós. Sería un "no te echaré de menos porque he agotado las existencias de ese sentimiento en mi cuerpo hacia ti".

No voy a escucharte. No voy a sentirme mal. Y si lo hago, sé que aún y así estaré haciendo lo correcto. Jamás fui tan curel contigo. Y si fui egoísta fue por tu cobardía.

Idiota.

No me voy a despedir de ti.

No. 

 

Finally

¿Qué es el vértigo? ¿El miedo a la caída? ¿Pero por qué nos da también vértigo en un mirador provisto de una valla asegurada? El vértigo es algo diferente del miedo a la caída. El vértigo significa que la profundidad que se abre ante nosotros nos atrae, nos seduce, despierta en nosotros el deseo de caer, del cual nos defendemos espantados.

Milan Kundera

38. Vértigo

Poesía.

Tú eras el fin.

Quizás

yo el principio.

Palabras.

Tus labios eran el fin.

Mis dedos

el medio.

Poesía,

Tú eras el fin.

Y, sin embargo

gotas –sólo gotas-

marcaron el final.